Soul Searching

Heading south

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 20:28:35 GMT

When I look around at all of my friends, I notice their care-free ways. Just like they were still in college. Visiting the trendiest bars and restaurants, meeting their girlfriends for some cocktails. Getting dressed to impress and dancing the night away, not a care in the world. Just living life and loving every minute of it.

When I look at myself, I see a 23yr old 9-6’er. She goes home to walk her dogs on her lunch break. She lives in a lake side apartment with her sister, but she and her and never there. She spends her time at her boyfriend’s house. He lives in a nice neighborhood. She finds it hard to have the motivation to be creative, when being creative is all that she’s ever loved being.

To come this far, 2 years now with Jay, and to feel like my relationship is unstable and could crumble any second, does not make me sad, it makes me anxious. What do you do when you love someone with your whole heart and have built a life with them, even in the span of 2 years? Is there a point where you reach the reality that “this may not be the right path for you.” When everything seems so right, sometimes it’s just so wrong.

Nothing’s ever worked in our favor. We’ve had to fight to be together from day one. I mean let’s face it, if I were a mother and my daughter brought home someone much older I would have a heart attack. It’s never mattered how old Jay is to me… never mattered until now…

I can’t be expected to have the same kind of maturity as a 42yr old woman, to like the responsibilities that one has, to take pride in the same kinds of hobbies and chores around the house. Can I? I feel like I’m doing a pretty damn good job of getting my shit together and working and learning and taking care of my pets and paying my bills and staying fit, and by the time all of this is done, I am TIRED enough… and then I am supposed to cut the grass, and clean the house, and vacuum the rugs and skim the pool and pull the weeds… it’s too overwhelming.

- I remember that I write when things are usually upside down in my life, or when I am exploring new avenues for myself. Isn’t that how everyone is? I don’t have much to say when everything is flowers and butterflies, but when things go south, give me a pen and paper, a computer and a keyboard, anything that can help me let it out!!

This is fun

Mon, 27 Aug 2007 20:57:29 GMT

This is fun isn't it. Writing on the LJ again. I just went through and read some of the entries that I had written over the years. It's always amusing doing that, seeing which stage you were in at that moment in time, taking yourself back to that moment, that day.

Time flies. Literally. I can not believe it's the end of 2007. WHAT!? I am almost 24...WHAT!! AND I am still with Jay... WHAT!! =)

What I missed most about livejournal was the writing. I used to write a lot. I love being creative and using my mind to come up with something that entertains people, or just myself is sufficient enough.

So my latest rant will go something like this:

I am afraid of what is coming up in my future. Isn't this the time in your life where you do some exploring. Figure out what really gets you going. What you really enjoy and what your passion for life will be. I don't think I've found that here at VS Publishing where I sell advertisements to tourists. OoOooOoo EXCITING!!! :o/

Jay is moving forward in his career. He's really trying to make a name for himself and get things done and make the money he's always dreamed of having. I am so envious of this path that he has taken. Granted, he's 42 and it's about effing time this happens. Right?

But me on the other hand. I have always said that I would make a name for myself, that people would know who I was. I would be that important, And I'm selling advertisements. Awesome!

Part of me wishes I could take an incredible pay cut just to find a job where I could write. Possibly for a newspaper or an online column. BUT that would be silly because I like my job and I make good money. I mean, 1/2 the time I'm chilling at home during work anyhow. I like to take advantage of the leanancy they have on the sales reps. here at VS.

Bottom line is I am going to try to explore my creative side again. I will try it out on here. And even if no one reads this, I will be able to vent and rant until my little fingers get numb on the keyboard.

Well helloooo LiveJournal Land!

Sun, 19 Mar 2006 03:14:09 GMT

It's been a while, has it not??!!
I feel like I should have so many things to say... I will try my best to entertain you for a couple minutes of your life.

Just returned from SPring Break 0-Seis!! Went to the Bahamas and had a FANTASTIC time. The only downfall was 6 girls for 6 days... Estrogen Overload, I don't know how lesbians do it! Don't worry kids, I was a good girl, not cheating on the BF (that's right still with Jay...5 months now....holy!) I met this kick ass guy Chris, aka Blaze (Lauren haha) He reminded me of Blake actually... and believe it or not he was into me. I agreed to go on a walk with him only after he promised me he would be on his best behavior. Lets thank Carly who decided to visit 3rd base with him the night before we left. Lame! But I guess someone had to hook up on spirng break.

The parentals are moving in a month to some hole in the wall condo for a few months. They're building a house in Spring Hill, that should be done in August. THank God they aren't leaving Florida!

I graduate in a month. Very exciting stuff! Just pre-ordered my cap and gown.... (tear) No seriously, Peace out UCF It's been real.... and now I must leave you in the dust!

In other news: My kitten is lying next to me looking so cute.

I am sunburnt because Lauren and I went to her beach condo for the day... then I decided to wash my car. She looks GREAT!

I am soaked for the last season of the Sopranos!

Other than all of this, and work, things are just pretty regular right now... well regular for me!

Arivaderce!

In Oklahoma

Tue, 27 Dec 2005 18:01:03 GMT

I hate coming to Oklahoma. I don't just hate it because it is boring, I hate it because everyone here is insane. I am even aware that "hate" is a strong word, but I don't give a shit.

Everyone's fighting. Everyone cuts everyone else down. There is nothing to do but sit around and look at eachother. "Visiting" turns into arguing. My cousin's jealousy makes her not share simple things like her computer. Everyone goes to bed at 9:30. There are no tv's to watch. I am forced to be around people that I don't care for. I am a ball of stress because there is so much to be done when I get back to Florida.

Such a pain in the ass. I take time out of my life to come here and surround myself around a bunch of ignorant people. I can't even hold conversations with them because they don't understand anything. I have to lie about what's going on in my life in order to please everyone. I am not allowed to have an opinion and I am 22 yrs old.

Nothing's changed. It's only gotten worse. I knew from the beginning when my parents said we would be out here for 5 days, that it was 4 days too many!
I can't wait to get back to Florida.

I am in HELL!

Everyone left town....

Sat, 17 Dec 2005 22:40:42 GMT

I guess it's not really weird not seeing my friends, considering I am always away from them. But it's definitely different when they arent in town at all, compared to me just not seeing them much. I have to start segregating myself from the situation I am in. It will get too intense too fast and I know that I don't want that right now.

In other news: I got 4B's and 1C this semester, so GO ME! I can't believe how many B's I got. That never happens! And this has been one busy semester... rock on!

Going to Oklahoma next weekend for 5 days. Not looking forward to it. I am going to be away from all of my friends when they are going to be home hanging out and partying. I will be away from work, which sucks becaus I need money pretty bad. Good thing I get paid Monday.

Jay and I are doing Christmas gifts next week, probably Thursday. I still haven't gotten him anyting. Shit. I have to figure something out. Too bad everything costs so damn much money! FUck a duck!! I know he got me a cell phone, can't WAIT!

That's about it... that and I have been sick for the past 3 days. Being sick sucks, and gets very boring. I am making myself go to work tonight.... but not til 8!

Happy Holidays everyone
Merry Christmas &
Happy Hanukkah

It's all happening so fast

Thu, 01 Dec 2005 22:18:07 GMT

I knew this time would come eventually... I guess I just didn't realize how fast all of it would hit me. Graduation.... one more semester left of my college career...
I'm excited because I do feel like I have learned all there is to learn in my major at this point in time. I am ready to have a real job with different kinds of responsibilities in my life.

Carly and I are in the process of moving out of our house. Another pain in the ass. It's just not working out here. Not that the house isn't beautiful and that I don't like the location, because it is and I do... It's mostly Jessica. She's just too much for me to handle and I know that she bothered me more when I was around more, but I know for a fact that she bothers Carly, so if getting out is what needs to be done, that's what is going to happen.

I am not supposed to be dating Jay anymore. This is according to my parents. It's hard but I know how they feel about the situation. I don't exactly know how I feel about Jay... I know that I like him, but we have such a casual thing going on here that it just doesn't seem like that big of a deal to me....

I'm sure I'll figure everything out as time goes on!

What do I think? You think you want to know...

Wed, 23 Nov 2005 22:56:13 GMT

Every day just seems to get more interesting in my life. It is true, when it rains it pours.

I thought I had tonight off of work, but Jay decided that since I only live an hour and 1/2 away from home, having tonight off would be pointless... I would like to point out how this is my LAST Thanksgiving and my LAST time to be with my friends in my house....

That's right, the parentals are putting the house up for sale and getting outa town. Depressing and I hate it, but I guess not living on Hillcreek isn't as bad as not living at all. Who can complain? Memories gone forever... it will never be home again. And that's what's upsetting.

To top it all off, I have been hooking up my friends at Howl at the Moon since before we opened. I find that the majority of them are incapable of being responsible, and therefore making me look bad for recommending them in the first place. Balls!

On some lighter notes:
Things with Jay are going well. I have decided that spending every waking moment with him is not something that I want to do. So I have made a step back, aka I have been coming home and sleeping home more, so that things can even out, hooray me.

Going home tomorrow morning early to spend Thanksgiving with the fam. Lets home Friday's traffic back up to Orlando won't be total and complete hell!

I hope you all have a fantastic Thanksgiving!

What's been going on

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 20:52:02 GMT

Just a brief update....

I guess I'm in a relationship now... pretty exciting. I have been spending a lot of time with Jay lately. I can say, we don't really get sick of eachother... it reminds me of the beginning of my relationship with Blake, but this is better because Jay has his shit together... well that and the fact that it just isn't Blake at all!

Work has been kicking my ass... my back is all fucked up and I have been demoted to "door staff" until I am able to carry 10lb trays around again. Fantastic.

Linz started at Howl. I am so excited she is working there! God, I don't think my bosses realize what they have gotten themselves into! But it's going to be a damn good time that's for certain.

Getting ready for work right now.
Something I need to work on:
Hanging out with my friends more!

Hope everyone has a great weekend! =)

Sundays are my favorite days by far!

Mon, 07 Nov 2005 19:33:09 GMT

How is it that Sundays are always fantastic? Could it be because the end of the day always ends with Desperate Housewives and Greys Anatomy? Could it be because there is awesome football on tv? Because it is an excuse to hang out with your friends, eat, and drink all day?
Well for all of these reasons, I love Sundays!

Yesterday Lauren, Carly, and I went with Jay and some of my Howl at the Moon friends to Haines City to go to a lake, ride on a boat, and go to some bars. We loaded up in a school bus that they renovated and put a futon in with freshly painted appliances to match. We ended up having quite an interesting day....

Our bus driver decided to be a bit irresponsible, causing Lauren to dip out of the situation before we'd even made it to the lake. Once we got to the lake bar, we sat by the water and listened to a band, ate some delicious food, took some shots, and drank some brew. Robbie pulled the boat up to meet us and we headed off on the lake, it was fantastic. So relaxing and beautiful. We headed to another lake bar, full of hillbillies, very strange. Back to the other bar we went, only when we got close, the boat died and we were stranded.

Me being the smart girl that I am, called the bar and had the woman owner meet us by the dock where Jay threw a rope to her and she began to pull us in. All of a sudden SPLASH!!! the woman falls in the damn lake!!! Hysterical, I know, imagine seeing this!

To top it all off, Carly and I went to the bathroom in a gas station, there were two stalls. Aparently one was occupied, but the lock didn't work because I definitely opened the stall door on this poor woman 1/2 way finished wiping her ass.... I thought I would die of hypervenelation from laughing so hard.

Back to the bus and home by 1:30am, I would say that yesterday would be at the top of my favorite Sundays list. That and my recent sleepovers with someone =)

Thank you Sunday's for always pulling through!

the events of my life... in a nutshell

Sat, 05 Nov 2005 23:23:51 GMT

I'm seeing someone thats a lot older than I am.
The weird thing is, he makes me laugh and we always have a great time together.
I'm not supposed to be seeing him much.
My mother is flipping shit.
He took me to meet 3 Doors Down Thursday night. After that, we went to dinner and ate steak and lobster and drank a bottle of wine... how perfect!
He's so sweet to me.
I don't know where this is headed.
He's not hiding anything.
Wherever it end up... I know that right now, I am happy.

Lets talk about it

Sun, 30 Oct 2005 16:20:37 GMT

Some interesting things have been happening over the past few days. Lets just say that I have gotten myself into something that might be a bad situation... but I'm enjoying myself so isn't that all that matters? Well if you are speaking without thinking I guess thats all that would matter.

I'm attracted to him, and I know that other people don't think I should even come close to him... it's weird because before Wed, I was reallllly attracted to him.... now I like him too... but I dont know what I like more, the fact that he listens to everything that I say, or the fact that he's much older than me and has that "I'lltake care of you" thing going for him.

Lastnight at work was a lot of fun. I dressed up as a pilot, just in a captain's jacker with a black bra underneath and high heels... hotttt! Carly was Uma Therman from Pulp Fiction... everyone looked so cute. He was dressed as a woman... talk about UNATTRACTIVE! haha I made him take the clip out of his hair at the end of the night... weird.

I feel like Halloween was lastnight, but infact it hasn't even arrived yet. So I guess I have to think if I am going to do anything else for this holiday... I don't know... I'm kinda over it! Car invited me to Chris Kirtpatricks house tonight for his Halloween party, it could be fun... not too sure if it's my scene or not.... whateva.... I think I'll hang out with J instead and eat steaks!

Happy Halloween everyone!!

Fez

Thu, 27 Oct 2005 14:50:20 GMT

Knock Knock

Who's there?

I DID IT!

You bet your ass I did... and it was fannnnnnnnnnnnnnntastic!

Turning 22.... it was fantastic!

Mon, 24 Oct 2005 22:12:01 GMT

What a weekend! I must say that I am impressed with myself, and my ability to hold alcohol. It must have been what I learned to do best while I was 21! I must have the best friends anyone could ever ask for. Weekends like that don't come by often enough, that's for sure!

I think I have taken my crush on Jay a little bit further now. Friday night, after a wonderful dinner at 310 Park Street resturant, many martinis later, we all headed to Howl At The Moon to see my friends for a couple of hours. Jay wasn't there, so I gave him a little ringy, and not 20 minutes later he was at the bar, beer and shot ready for me. =) We got to flirt with eachother more than I thought we would do.... and could do really. Let's just leave it at, if what was supposed to have happened that night WOULD have happened.... I would be breaking all of the rules in the rule book! We headed to Chillers about 8 shots later.... barely able to walk, I stumbled my way onto the dance floor and managed to bust some sweet moves... hahaha.

Saturday night at Channelside was nothing short of fabulous. Carly got to drink everywhere we went. Ally and I got to hang out on our birthdays for the first time since we turned 18! I gave Mike a little kissy again. Lauren made out with some dude. Abby and I got wasted, her more than me this time! Knawnie almost puked, which means "success." We danced the night away and partied like it was going out of style... that's what I LOVE!

Yesterday, dispite the overcast in Clearwater, we headed to the beach with the fam, ate some crab cakes, collected some sea shells, all of that jazz. It was beautiful. We got a delicious Strawberry cake and dad cooked steaks on the grill.... DE-LISH! Oh and Jay called and invited me out on his boat, of course I was still out of town! But he DID call (yayyyyyyyyyyyyy)

Back in O Town now. Took the best nap of my life.... could possibly be because of the cool weather. It's going to be a cold week so that means good hair days are on their way! Thanks for everyone's birthday wishes for me. I love you guys! You are the most wonderful friends a girl could ask for!!!

P.S. Joey and Lance from Nsync were in Howl in Orlando on Saturday night! Maybe they will hang out there and make it a celebrity place! SWEET!!

My dirty little secret

Wed, 19 Oct 2005 07:24:26 GMT

He began by recaping our day Sunday at the Bucs game. He reminded me of how I got in a crappy mood towards the end of the night. What he doesn't know it why I was in a crappy mood... and the "why" would be because I like him and she was all over him.
He told me that my hair looked really nice tonight. He said it "Takes his breath away." He pointed out how good I looked to one of our piano players, "Doesn't Ashley look great tonight. Maybe it's the hair, but she looks good."
His best friend Robbie told me what great time he had hanging out with me on Sunday. He overheard Robbie and I saying goodbye to eachother. I asked Robbie if they were going home, he said they were headed to Ale House first. I told Robbie to be safe and not to get to drunk. He overheard me, "I heard that!"
I gave him a hug... he kept his arm around me. I said "Goodbye Hunny" and he said "I'll be thinking about you."
It all may be weird. Maybe I am setting myself up for something that is never going to happen, literally. How can this work? How will this fit into my life if this flirtation leads to something more than just flirting? I don't think it makes much sense, but now that I am looking at other people watching what is happening between us, I think they are starting to notice that something might be up.
What started as a crush has turned into a "like."
He put a smile on my face for the entire night.
I like him.

An end of a never-ending week

Mon, 26 Sep 2005 16:33:44 GMT

Last Sunday was the begining of the end of my social days for that week. I packed up my bags, got in my dancing clothes, and headed off to a 5 hour Orientation for Howl at the Moon. We slowly got into things, computer training, dance practice, the works. By Friday night's grand opening my boss had decided that I would dress as Marilyn Monroe and pass out jello shots to the crazy ass crowd.
We entered the venue, the servers by bus, and the piano players and "celebrities" by limo (hummer). We stepped out of the limo onto a red carpet, surrounded by people, news stations, and radio stations. It was the beginning of one crazy fun-filled wasted night for my friends, and everyone else that graced us with their presence.
10 hours later I was home, blistered feet and all, only to wake up at 10:30 to eat breakfast with my best friends before heading to work again at 3 in the afternoon.
And so began my 12 and 1/2 hour day. Exhausting, yes, but fantastic at the same time! Had I not gotten this job, I would have never known that McDonalds sells breakfast at 3:30am...delicious!
Over $300 later, not counting my hourly training, my week was over. And now I'm off until Thursday... thank God! But I must say that I love this job. You are a fool if you don't come and check it out. It's amazing music and entertainment, a great atmosphere, and amazing service. The drinks are a bit pricey, so be prepared, but it's so worth it!

Now it's back to reality, school... graduating....school....blah. Rock on Howl at the Moon!

I added a few pics from opening night to my webshots (look on my info page). More will be added when my sister sends them to me.

8 flirtini's later...

Sun, 04 Sep 2005 06:17:10 GMT

i love tampa.
i love the casino and nicholas(the bartender) that kissed me. gorgeous!
i love aubrey and how she wants to stay out all night just like i do.
i love watching lauren enter my world as i gather the men and let them know the rules of the game.
i made a date for tomorrow... david.... ahhh i havent done this in FOREVER!
ANGEL called... HOORAY! "i do my own nude scenes" that kid makes me smile!
hot men tonight at channel side... woah baby!
Mike tried to kiss me more than i could count... ha ha ha
i saw heather and jen from FAU! its heathers 22 birthday!! i love those girls so much. they were the first real friends i made in college, and they are wonderful!
amy is so fun to go out with! shes such a trooper and i love her... AVRIL FOREVER!

i guess its time to pass out... this is what happens when you begin the night at 9:30pm!

GOODNIGHT PEOPLE

Devistation

Thu, 01 Sep 2005 23:13:00 GMT

How are you supposed to go on living your normal every day life when there is something so catastrophic happening right here in the United States of America. The people in Louisiana have NO water NO food! WHAT!! Send the people food and water. Come on Bush, trump, Gates, all you fuckers with money running out of your asses.... I know that it's easier said than done, but we are the U.S. a place that's supposed to deal with tragedies with the fastest knowledge and help. So where is it?? I understand that they are working on other things now, but how are these people going to survive!?
It's a proven fact in Maslows Heirarchy of needs, that at the base of everything, there are your basic needs... (food and water) after that emotional needs, and safety. No wonder these people are acting the way that they are, they don't know what to do!! It's fucking depressing.
I feel guilty sitting watching tv shows that make me smile. I feel bad that I have a hair appointment tomorrow. I feel terrible that nothing is changing immediately for those people. I know that everyone's sending money and what not, but money isn't going to help right now. Bush is sending 10.4 billion dollars... how about FOOD!!! He's going to "fly over Louisiana in a hellicopter tomorrow to see the scene again." I love Bush and all but come the fuck on!
Ah this shit is completely insane.
I called the govenor of Louisiana to see when the food and water would be on the way. They told me it was on it's way right now... lets pray that it is.

I finally have the internet again!

Thu, 25 Aug 2005 05:07:35 GMT

Things in my house have been fantastic. I love it here. It's so much better than The Village at Alafaya Crap with their lame ass security deposit that's impossible to get back... Fuckers!

Anyhoo... Lauren's back in town, which means many movies and many days at the gym and pool, thank God for her! We made baked ziti tonight with Sarah and her friend Leah... good times and good food. I think we succeeded as being the entertainers of the evening!

In other news, 40 Year Old Virgin is freakin HYSTERICAL!
Skrink is having sex with Buger.
I paid to get my roommate out of trouble lastnight at Pounders.
There's a tropical storm coming.
A cool ass dude in my Buisness Comm class owns land, and he's hot too!
David and I spoke on the phone lastnight for a little while... why can't I bring myself to actually see him again? Oh the scares of things going past just a hook up.... I'm lame.
Going to Gville sometime this weekend.
Can't wait to head back to the casino over labor day weekend!
I'm a senior in college...COOL!!

Peace homies!

Sometimes you just can't help it

Sun, 21 Aug 2005 05:11:37 GMT

So over the past two days I have come to realize that I am a huge flirt. I don't think it's a bad thing, mostly because it's all in good fun, but sometimes people take things the wrong way. The way that I look at it is, I know who I am and I know what I am doing when I enter into conversations with guys. I admit to flirting to get what I want, drinks, attention, etc. But who doesn't. Every once in a while a little male attention is a real confidence booster.

It does suck, however, when you are with people that judge you by your flirtatious nature. Getting lectured for kissing someone, or spending time with certain people, isn't fun and it definitely isn't fair. My sister got mad at me lastnight for flirting with this guy and his friend. Aubrey got mad because she told me that one of them had a girlfriend... so she proceeded to be a bitch to both of the guys. My response: Is it really that big of a deal? I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm having a good time and I don't think I should have to feel bad for that. Sometimes you just want to go out and let loose. That's all I'm doing, and I'm enjoying the new atmosphere's that we have put ourselves in.

I guess my point is.... I flirt when I go out, so if you want to go out with me, deal with it.

P.S. Went to an Avril Lavigne/Gavin Degraw concert tonight.Two rows back from the stage. It was amazing.

Now I've had the time of my life

Fri, 19 Aug 2005 14:05:38 GMT

Randomly, yesterday, I got a call from Aubrey... she says "I have tickets to see the Chippendales tonight at Hard Rock, do you want to come!?" My response: "HELL YEA!!" And so began a night of drinking that started at 8pm and didn't stop until 5:30 this morning.

I did my best to lure one of the Chippendale dancers to me, and from the look of things, I thought he would be mine for sure. You see, after the show, which was amazing by the way, the guys all come out to the bar and chill and shit. I stood my ground, clearly positioned next to the bar with a perfect eyes view of my favorite Chippendale, Chris. (I have pictures, will post later =) ) We made eye contact, a LOT. I motioned him over and we talked for a bit, took a couple of pictures, and then he retreated back to the flock of women that were there for the pure enjoyment of being around hot ass half naked men. But he told me to stay around, and I did. We exchanged glances, smiles, and dance moves, back and forth the entire night, until I fucked up by talking to this guy in a green shirt and then I couldn't rid myself of him. BALLS! And by the time green shirt man left me alone, Chris was with silver belt girl. =( I MIGHT go back tonight to see him and conqure again, we will see.

After my heart was broken by Chris and silver belt girl, I decided to move on. I met this other guy who was effing HOTTT, huge muscles. I felt so tiny next to him. His name, David, his status, works for Northwest Airlines, ironically. Pretty hot guy, likes to hug and kiss a lot.... I think I may have an overzealous cuddler on my hands!

Finally at 5:30am I had to call it a night. Only to wake up 2 hours later so that I could make my doctors appointment this morning. BLAH!

So my dear friends, if you ever have the opportunity to hang out at the Hard Rock Casino, or go to a Chippendales show, DO IT because damn....DAMN!!!

Moving....what a pain in the ass

Tue, 02 Aug 2005 20:01:04 GMT

Just a note:
We're moving as of tomorrow and I will no longer have access to a working internet for a while... so if you want to chat hit up the celly!
Downtown here I come!

<3

Start all over... make a new beginning

Tue, 26 Jul 2005 18:09:11 GMT

Reasons why next year is going to kick so much ass:

1. We move downtown next week into a house!! I am so flipping excited. I get to live with two chill girls in a gorgeous house. Who could ask for anything more?? We get to discover a whole new piece of Orlando, and it's so refreshing. I'm ready to get away from all the college places around UCF and head out to the bars and clubs downtown. I'm ready to meet new, interesting, people. I'm just READY!

2. Getting fired could have been a blessing in disguise really. Now that my life is stress-free (aside from all of my money running out quickly) I am able to get a good nights rest, go out when I want, and not worry about what I have to do the next day. I haven't been able to do this since I was a freshman in college. I've always had a job, people to listen to, responsibilities, if you will, but not right now.

3. Eff resturants for now. I'm going to work at a golf course! Well, this is after I wait a week because I have to take a drug test. Morning hours, off a night, different atmosphere. Could be sweet. I'm a little nervous about possibly being bored or something, but I'm sure it will be a breath of fresh air for me.

4. This boy. Which I shouldn't talk about because I could possibly jinx myself, but I won't embelish. Just a few facts: Twin. Met him at Channel Side last week. Lives in Orlando. Tall. Dark. Handsome. Awesome personality. :o)

Time don't let it slip away
Raise your drinking glass
Here's to yesterday

Home... it just keeps getting better

Sat, 23 Jul 2005 15:47:48 GMT

If I had a title for the past week and 1/2, it would probably have to be "Captain Random"... I've always wanted to be a captain! haha
I've hung out with some fun as hell people. Where are the fun ass people when I'm in Orlando!?!? I've drank, smoked, sweat, kissed, laughed, passed out, and emerged every morning with a bit of a hang over.... and I love it!
The last two night had to top them all. Aubrey has been my partner in crime, thank god for her! We started our night Thursday at Chilis around 8, only to later ditch Trevor (sorry man.... I was having fun elseware), and spend the rest of our evening in the presence of Brian, Cody, Steve, Matty, and Dustin at DogWater Cafe. I could't pass up a night of flirtatious events with Cody who I had never even spoken to before, but felt as though I've always known. Strange. Ended up at Applebees latenight style. I love hangin out with BJ!
Lastnight Aubrey called, both after our powernaps, because that's just how we roll. She invited me to the Thurshers baseball game with her family, including Morgan and Chris, HOORAY! I saw some old friends, they weren't so nice... but hey they're the ones that still live around home, and I've moved on, so eat it! The evening was filled with Pints of beer and loads of laughs. Making Chris's wished come true, we ended the night at Applebees once more, Hey they're opened til 2!
Tonight?! CHANNEL SIDE! WHOOP! Lets see if this Saturday can surpass last Saturday's events! I love me some Stumps and Howl at the Moon!

Hats off to my friends in Clearwater.... ya'll know how to have a good time!

Another random fact: Jayme Rupert and I layed out the other day for a few hours. I haven't seen that girl in ages. Good times!

When it rains it pours... Men that is

Wed, 20 Jul 2005 00:36:58 GMT

It's taken a full year for me to completely get to the point where I am currently. What is this, you may ask? I like to call it, a return to myself. You see... for the past year I completely boycotted the whole IDEA of men. I was bitter, sour, a bitch, mean.... every negative adjective you could think of, that's what I was when I heard anyone speak of love, relationships, dating, etc.

So, I am glad that I took this past year to get over things, grow up, and move on completely. Because now I can say that I KNOW that I have. And what a fantastic relief for me. If it weren't for what I have been through in my past, I would not have been able to grow the ways that I have, and I am greatful for what I have been through. But I am also greatful that it's all over and done with, and all that remains of it is a distant memory and a fondness in my heart.

Back to the old me.... no no, not the crazy ass freshman year in college me.... but something like that, just more responsible, if you will. Because you know what, I like men! I like kissing men. I like making out with them. I like bringing them home every so often. And I think that growing up, has only made me bring home better men than I would have chosen before.

Call me a hypocrite, because I fully admit to being one. But I think that these past few weeks have made me realize, that the only reason I hated them so much before was because I had forgotten what it was like to meet someone new, and with that, I had forgotten that not all men are the same. They're not all out to sabotage you.

Thanks to my trips to Los Angeles and back here to Clearwater, I have been able to hang out and be around some really fun people. I can't believe that even a few months ago I would have turned most of them down. But it's my turn to re-live those "firsts" feelings. And you better believe I am fully taking advantage of it ;o)

The Notebook

Fri, 15 Jul 2005 04:06:42 GMT

Against all of my, "beliefs", I watched The Notebook with my mom tonight. I don't even know why I never watched it before... becuase it doesn't make me bitter, instead it gives me hope. The Notebook was the first movie that I have seen in a long time and actually thoroughly liked. I think it may even top my favorite movies list. I want to be loved the way Noah loved Ali. I hope that one day I will be lucky enough for it to find me.